Sometimes feeling ‘fine’ is just another way to say we don’t feel very much at all. We tend to want to avoid difficult emotions and we have lots of ways to do this but what people often find when they knowingly or unknowingly suppress painful feelings is that the ‘happy emotions’ disappear with them.
It’s not surprising that so many of us are disconnected from our feelings. Modern society tends to approach feelings with mistrust, hostility and ultimately fear. They are seen as pesky little problems that get in the way of life, rather than fundamental in truly knowing and understanding ourselves. This is completely understandable when we have not been taught to integrate, process and work with – instead of against – our emotions. And how many of us were lucky enough to have been shown how to work effectively with feelings growing up? Very few indeed.
And so somewhere along the way, we shut them off. They felt too overwhelming, too complex, too unpredictable and too painful. The human capacity to cut-off (dissociate) from overwhelming feelings is quite incredible. And as children it is sometimes psychologically ‘life saving’. Because, if there is no one around to help us translate strong internal sensations (emotions) into understandable information about what we are experiencing then dampening these sensations down might be the best coping mechanism we have.
But what happens in the long term? Often it leaves us living life on auto-pilot. We lose any sense of internal and individual direction, purpose or identity. We are more likely to make decisions for our lives based on external expectations or recommendations rather than looking inward to sense what our gut has to say. Then, when we end up feeling unfulfilled and flat no matter what we may have achieved, we are confused, disoriented, lonely, empty, anxious and our spark for life is no where to be seen.
Ok – so now we understand why we sometimes shut off our feelings – what can we do about it?
This is the part therapy can help with. I have found that for many clients, a psycho-educational approach is vital in the beginning stages. That means, understanding the logical rationale for engaging with feelings – especially the less comfortable ones (I’m looking at you shame, sadness and anger.) If, like me, you have relied heavily on intellectualisation and analytical thinking to cope with the pain and stress of life then it is important to still bring this part of your mind along for the ride. In fact, it is this part of us that we need to slowly convince that emotions are highly valuable. This way we build intrinsic motivation to engage with feelings once again and learn to observe them curiously and without judgment.
So what are emotions actually for? In short – they tell us what we need to know. For example anger can let us know that someone has violated us or crossed a boundary. Sadness can show us what is precious to us. Feeling safe or unsafe with someone can show us who we can trust. Pride can let us know we are living in line with our values. Guilt tells us we care and need to make something right. In this way, emotions can provide a blueprint for building the life and relationships we truly desire using our own unique code for meaning and purpose.
Here are some other benefits of reconnecting with our feelings:
- Increased sense of self/identity/knowing who we are, what we need and what we like
- Understanding what turns us ‘on’ or ‘off’ in life – in jobs, relationships, hobbies and more
- A sense of existing right here right now – not just waiting for ‘real life’ to begin in the future
- An awareness that we are not our thoughts – meaning negative thoughts feel less threatening
- Feeling closer and more connected to our loved ones
- Feeling like our authentic selves rather than feeling like a fraud or imposter in our own lives
- Positive feelings like joy, excitement and contentment come back online
Finally, we have talked about how disconnecting from and de-valuing our emotions can lead to a dampened sense of self but what about when unprocessed feelings escape and cause havoc in our lives and relationships, both personally and professionally? Over-reactions, pushing people away, blaming others, acting defensively, shutting down meaningful conversations, burning bridges and ultimately cementing an inner belief that there must be something ‘wrong with me’ because ‘I keep on hurting others and myself’. My next blog will explore this aspect of suppressing our emotions and what we can do about it.
If any of this resonates with you and you’d like to get in touch to discuss therapy to help you work through it, click below to book a free 15 minute call at a time that suits you.